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(This is the 2nd part of the article on “How To Be Assertive” – if you have not done so, please read part 1, too. )

Mindset mistakes – And The Power of  “I” Statements

There are a couple of mistakes you could make when testing assertive communication.

Avoid weak beginnings like:

• “You may not want to hear this, BUT..”
• “This may not be a good idea…”
• “I’m not sure if it’s right to say…”

Self-discounting language will not help, either:

• ““I should probably also add that…”
• “We are actually in a way somewhat embarrassed.”

All the phrases above show uncertainty, hesitation or inferiority to the others,  which should be avoided.

Also try avoiding  “You” statements like:

• “You are completely wrong”
• “You don’t understand it”

Instead, try to transpose “You” statements to “I” statements to get the assertive flavour in your conversation.

• You are wrong → I disagree.
• You are not explaining it right ! → I don’t understand it right!

Common Obstacles Of Being More Assertive

Of course, communicating assertively isn’t easy for most of us, at least not all the time and in every situation.

Most of us have a hard time communicating assertively because—in one way or another—we’re afraid.

We communicate passively and just go with the flow because we’re afraid that people will think badly of us or judge us if we express what we really want. 

Or aggressively and put others down because it makes us feel powerful and confident and alleviates our deeper insecurities.

And finally passive-aggressively because we want the satisfaction of expressing our anger or hurt without taking responsibility for or accepting the consequences of it.

In each case, we tend to avoid assertive communication because we’re afraid of how we or others might feel as a result.

Negative results of non-assertive styles

And while employing one of these three less optimal styles may help us avoid conflict or negative feelings in the short-term, they almost always lead to negative results in the long-term:

In the passive style, individuals feel chronically dissatisfied with themselves, ashamed that they can’t stand up for their rights. This leads to increasingly low self-confidence and self-esteem.

People of aggressive style, may become socially isolated, lonely, and even depressed. They are afraid to interact and open up.

In the passive-aggressive style, people lose trust in and respect for us and often are chronically frustrated and irritated because of our indirect and responsibility-avoidant behavior.

On the other hand, there’s often temporary discomfort and blowback when we act or speak assertively:

Speaking up for what we want produces anxiety and nervousness.

Sharing how we really feel leaves us vulnerable and may expose our insecurities and fears. Taking responsibility for our actions is difficult and requires a lot of work sometimes.

The initial discomfort of assertiveness can be even stronger when the people in our life aren’t used to us acting this way. Others may say or imply that we’re selfish by not going along with their requests. Or our attempts at being more direct and respectful may be met with initial doubts or mistrust.

But ultimately, the habit of communicating assertively—of clearly and respectfully expressing our wishes and feelings—leads to the best outcomes in the long-run.

The Benefits of Learning to Be More Assertive

The benefits of becoming more assertive are too many to list entirely. But here are a few of the most common and compelling reasons to work on becoming more assertive:

Decreased social anxiety and need for approval. As we become more skilled at expressing our own beliefs, wants, and needs in a direct and respectful way, we gain valuable evidence that we don’t need to worry as much about disapproval.

Become more relaxed and less stressed. One of the ironies of the 3 unhelpful communication styles is that they require a lot of work and energy. Once the initial emotional blowback of being more assertive fades, it’s a far more efficient and relaxing way to go about life.

Increase self-confidence and self-respect. Every time we avoid expressing what’s genuinely important to us, we communicate to our own brain that our own wishes are not really that important. Do this enough, and we start to train our own brains to believe that we’re not that important generally. On the other hand, when we’re willing to honestly express how we feel and what we want, we’re reinforcing to our own brains that we are important and valuable. And ultimately, that’s the source of genuine self-confidence and self-respect.

Become less resentful of others. When we use the 3 unhelpful styles of communication, we tend to project our own disappointment with ourselves. Then we are  not being honest onto other people in the form of frustration and resentment.

Improved relationships and partnerships. It’s a truism in couples counseling that all relationship problems are communication problems. And when it comes down to it, all communication problems are problems of assertiveness. 

Assertiveness Is About More Than Communication

 Assertive communication is the most common form of assertiveness. Still it’s important to know that assertiveness is bigger than a style of communication.

Ultimately, assertiveness is about values—it means that we live our lives according to our values, not someone else’s.

It’s about respecting ourselves enough to be genuinely okay with who we are and to live our lives accordingly.

And while this may take the form of speech and communication, it’s about how we act more generally.

Acts of assertive behaviour

Keeping our word. When we lie or flake out on commitments we’ve made to other people, we not only decrease their trust and good faith in us, but we undermine trust in ourselves. We create another piece of evidence that we’re not really reliable or consistent, which over time severely weakness our self-confidence and self-image.

Not second-guessing our decisions. When we make a reasonable decision but then spend hours on second-guessing that decision, we’re communicating to our own brains that our decisions can’t be trusted. On the other hand, when we abstain from worry and second-guessing, we demonstrate confidence and belief in ourselves.

Following through on goals. Assertiveness means being careful about the goals we set. Because every time we set a goal and then don’t follow through on it, we communicate to ourselves that we’re not the type of person who follows through on what’s important to them. But when we are thoughtful and set reasonable goals that truly matter to us, and then work hard to achieve them and follow through, we reinforce the powerful idea that we’re a competent, reliable person.

Defending our beliefs. If you really want to see good examples ofnon-assertive communication observe how people act and communicate when politics, religion, or other strongly held beliefs are on the line. Many of us either avoid expressing and defending our beliefs. The reason: we imagined conflict “isn’t worth it”.  We become irrationally aggressive and/or indirect in defending our beliefs and end up being disrespectful or inflexible in the way we engage with people who differ from us.

Asking for and giving feedback. Most people are terrified both at giving or receiving feedback because they lack self-confidence and are afraid of how they’ll feel (shame, embarrassment) or how others will feel about them (anger, disappointment). But to someone who’s assertive, feedback is a wonderful thing because it leads to growth and new insights.

How to Be More Assertive

Assertiveness is a skill that needs to be built and developed over time. If you’ve read this far, hopefully you have a good understanding of what assertiveness is and why it’s important. But putting it into practice is an entirely different thing.

Becoming more assertive takes sustained effort and commitment. So start small. Work on being more assertive in lower stakes situations. As you improve and it becomes more natural, slowly work up to assertiveness in bigger and higher stakes situations.

Here are a handful of ideas for  practicing assertiveness in small ways:

Make imperfect decisions. When you’re faced with a trivial joint decision with someone—like which show to watch on Netflix with a friend or partner in the evenings—just pick the first thing that comes to mind and say that’s what you want to watch. Don’t worry if you’re not totally sure if that’s what you really want to watch other’s feelings. Just say, I’d like to watch CSI.  Or, Let’s watch Planet Earth.

Whenever you go to a restaurant, ask for a different table.

Stop apologizing when you haven’t actually done anything wrong. Often times we say we’re sorry because we’re uncomfortable with the fact that someone else is uncomfortable. We say we’re sorry in an attempt to “make things better” and relieve the discomfort of the situation.

Get comfortable saying no. If someone asks a favor that’s either unreasonable or that you simply don’t want to go along with, simply say no. Understand that you’re going to feel uncomfortable afterward and that the whole point is to build up your tolerance for that discomfort.

Stop trying to manage how other people feel. Instead of offering solutions to or doing things to try and make people feel better, try simply acknowledging that they’re having a hard time and leaving it at that.

Remember: As you practice being more assertive—even in small ways—it’s going to feel uncomfortable for you as well as the people around you who are used to you being less assertive. It’s important that you expect this so that at least you’re not caught off guard by it in the moment.

One Final Tip for Becoming More Assertive

Here’s one final tip as you work toward becoming more assertive. If you can remember this, you’ll be far less likely to fall off the assertiveness wagon and back into old habits.

Being guilt tripped and feeling guilty is not the same thing as being guilty.

Many of us—especially those of us with a more passive style—have a hard time being assertive because we worry about how guilty we’ll feel as a result of not going along with what other people want.

This is a classic trap that many people who struggle to be assertive fall into—they have a hard time distinguishing true guilt from fake guilt.

Imagine a pushy family member giving you a hard time about the decision not to host Christmas again this year. Imagine how you might feel as they describe how no one else will do it and how important it is to keep the family together and how much they all depend on you to do this, and how hurt they would be if you “let them down.”

This is guilt-tripping. And your pushy family member is doing it because they know on some level that the discomfort you feel.  As a result may be so strong that you’ll end up hosting Christmas just to avoid having to feel the fake guilt they’ve so generously heaped upon you.

The key is to recognize that this guilt is not legitimate.

Guilt is the emotion we experience when we’ve done something wrong.  I’s not when someone else says (or implies) that we’ve done something wrong.

Try to get better at recognizing these two versions of guilt. When you find yourself feeling guilty, ask yourself, Have I actually done something wrong?

Then, practice tolerating the discomfort of that fake guilt and building up resilience to it.

Summary and Key Points to Assertivness

To be assertive means that we’re honest with ourselves about our own values and willing to act according to them.

More specifically, assertive communication means that we’re willing and able to express our wants and feelings directly and respectfully.

Less helpful styles of communication include passive communication, aggressive communication, and passive-aggressive communication.

Being assertive can be difficul. Other people often react negatively, and we can feel afraid or uncomfortable as a result.

The benefits of assertiveness are almost too numerous to list.Some of the most important include increased self-confidence, lower anxiety and dependency, improved relationships, and less resentment toward others.

Some small ways to practice being more assertive include making decisions despite not being totally sure, saying no to unreasonable requests and tolerating the resulting discomfort, and asking for what you want—like a different table at a restaurant or another bag of peanuts on a plane flight.

Feeling guilty is not the same thing as being guilty.

Learning to tell the difference is essential because subtle guilt-tripping is the most common reason many of us have a hard time being assertive.

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If you feel I you need help to be more assertive and clarify your true communication style, please do not hesitate to contact me or sign for my assertivity communication training!